Tag Archives: bible

When Silence Becomes Disobedience

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I have sat down to write this at least fifty times, but the task always seemed so daunting, that I would hastily tell God, “Not yet, I’m not equipped for that right now” and walk away from it. The funny thing about God is, you can’t tell Him what you are or are not going to do, the pressure will get so intense that you have no choice; so here I am in a place I don’t desire to be but right were He has placed me believing He will equip me in the process. That juxtaposition is nerve wrecking and peaceful all at the same time. I know my surrender doesn’t mean an easy, quiet path free from persecution, but it does come with the promise that it will all be used for His glory and my good.

There is no way to condense the agony, trauma, and despair that domestic violence, coercive control and systematic abuse produce into anything less than a novel. While that may be in the works one day, right now it is imperative that I speak for those who remain paralyzed in the shadows. I am no stranger to paralysis, in fact, most days my nervous system still resides there. I want more for my kids though and can’t effectively lead them in their relationship with the Lord if I fear man’s lashing more than I do God’s wrath. Solomon tells us in the Book of Proverbs that “the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom” (Prov. 9:10). The legacy I leave through Him for His people is much more important than the things of the world I could ever store up.

Eight years later, I continue to endure excessive and life altering character assassinations, financial disarray, physical illness and the systematic dismantling of my kids’ souls at the hands of those who have been charged with protecting us. Everything inside of me wants to scream about the atrocities and curse those who have destroyed the God given miracles who where entrusted into my care, but scripture reminds me that vengeance belongs to the Lord (Deut. 32:35, Romans12:19). There is relief that comes with knowing that it isn’t mine to settle. It gives way to removing rage from the lineup and leaves righteous anger at the forefront. This anger doesn’t come with aggression but with a hatred of the sin that has landed me here; both my own and those whose choices have caused immense affliction over our lives. It is an anger that fuels rebuking of what God abhors. It seeks to partner and create a new thing from the adversity and soul crushing pain. One that changes the trajectory of everything and brings life to everyone it touches.

Today I have laid the scene for a series of letters I have been charged to write to each entity who have had a hand in the pouring gasoline and setting myself and my children on fire. It is my desire to stir the hearts and souls of every Christian within the ranks of these agencies to step up and step out on the Word of God. It is a solid lifeline in this upside-down world where we now call good evil and evil good. Silence and inaction will be the demise of our souls. All it takes for evil to prevail is for good “men” to do nothing. Time is running short, all our eternities will begin with the answer to one of these two statements – Well done my good and faithful servant or depart from me I never knew you.

The Abyss

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Grief.

 A gaping hole where memories, despair, anger, blueprints that will never come to fruition, and the pace of an unfamiliar pattern of life collide and then gush out of your heart all at once. The variable speed leaves you unsteady, unsure if today will be a slow leak or an uncontrollable tsunami. The valve never turns completely off, no matter how much time has unfolded. Before you realize it, years have gone by in a blur. The haze lifts and the devastation that ravaged your every breath is unveiled. You are no longer willing to submit to the systematic gag order that has choked life out of you and your soul longs for the promise of Isaiah 61, to be a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

Grief is customarily reserved for navigating life after the death of someone your heart is tied to. Those of us who have walked through the perils of coercive control/domestic violence and then have had to pick up what was left of yourself and your kids after being torn limb by limb by agencies, churches and your family/friends whom you trusted to protect you, know a version of grief that has no words to suitably describe it. This bereavement encompasses compounded losses that challenge your entire existence. Every facet of your life quintessentially shifts overnight. Your daily role in your children’s lives, your autonomy, your circle, finances, food security, your health; no crevice is left untouched.

This gut-wrenching grief isn’t one you can simply rebound from. You will hit rock bottom as you find yourself being careened against the jagged edges of the rocky shoreline until the one who took a vow to guard your heart and to honor you as Christ loved the Church decides to completely discard you once and for all. Eight years later, I remain property. I am still waiting to be rendered from the lashings, false allegations, and harassment that could easily tip one over the ledge. I am a mere ragdoll; incessantly mocked, beaten, stomped, and spit on in the public square by my accuser and authorities alike.  Round after round, gasping for air, never being afforded the most basic human rights while my fitness as a mother is merely judged on my ability to never react or show emotion in front of my kids or professionals. It is one of the most insane protocols I have ever had to endure.

There will be a day when this all comes to a dead stop though, nine more years until my youngest hits the awaited milestone of eighteen- although I don’t know what will remain among the wreckage come that day.  I want nothing more for my kids to have a childhood where they know true joy but pain is all they know. My oldest is less than thirteen months shy of eighteen. He is fighting for his life and is unrecognizable. There is no joy, no jokes, no smiles; just despair, aggression, hopelessness and teetering on eggshells. Instead of the excitement that lies ahead we are painstakingly working on getting to the next sunrise at this point. It is unbearable to watch. The way coercive control strips our kids of their innocence and extinguishes the light inside of them is criminal.

Ephesians 6:12 boldly solidifies a truth we have been conditioned to so easily dismiss; “we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rules of the darkness of this world, and against spiritual wickedness in high places.”  My assignment here has exposed a depth of evil that I can never unsee and will most, likely never be able to comprehend. It is one so dark that children are devoured without an ounce of accountability, sorrow or remorse. Its magnitude is so overwhelming that despair can quickly consume your own soul if you are not rooted in God’s Word. I am without a doubt laying in the trenches, but God is shielding and buffering the blows. HE has undoubtably keep me afloat each time the enemy has intensified his vengeance towards me. It has taken being shipwrecked in isolation and a grueling refinement in the most intense of fires for me to be affirmed with the understanding that I am not responsible for the decimation of the entire entity but that I only need to stand firm against it and shine light on the darkness. Still not a simple task by any means, but God owning the rights to the final screenplay, with the binding of the enemy himself, makes wading through the murky water as a Kingdom Agent an honor and not burden.