I have sat down to write this at least fifty times, but the task always seemed so daunting, that I would hastily tell God, “Not yet, I’m not equipped for that right now” and walk away from it. The funny thing about God is, you can’t tell Him what you are or are not going to do, the pressure will get so intense that you have no choice; so here I am in a place I don’t desire to be but right were He has placed me believing He will equip me in the process. That juxtaposition is nerve wrecking and peaceful all at the same time. I know my surrender doesn’t mean an easy, quiet path free from persecution, but it does come with the promise that it will all be used for His glory and my good.

There is no way to condense the agony, trauma, and despair that domestic violence, coercive control and systematic abuse produce into anything less than a novel. While that may be in the works one day, right now it is imperative that I speak for those who remain paralyzed in the shadows. I am no stranger to paralysis, in fact, most days my nervous system still resides there. I want more for my kids though and can’t effectively lead them in their relationship with the Lord if I fear man’s lashing more than I do God’s wrath. Solomon tells us in the Book of Proverbs that “the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom” (Prov. 9:10). The legacy I leave through Him for His people is much more important than the things of the world I could ever store up.

Eight years later, I continue to endure excessive and life altering character assassinations, financial disarray, physical illness and the systematic dismantling of my kids’ souls at the hands of those who have been charged with protecting us. Everything inside of me wants to scream about the atrocities and curse those who have destroyed the God given miracles who where entrusted into my care, but scripture reminds me that vengeance belongs to the Lord (Deut. 32:35, Romans12:19). There is relief that comes with knowing that it isn’t mine to settle. It gives way to removing rage from the lineup and leaves righteous anger at the forefront. This anger doesn’t come with aggression but with a hatred of the sin that has landed me here; both my own and those whose choices have caused immense affliction over our lives. It is an anger that fuels rebuking of what God abhors. It seeks to partner and create a new thing from the adversity and soul crushing pain. One that changes the trajectory of everything and brings life to everyone it touches.

Today I have laid the scene for a series of letters I have been charged to write to each entity who have had a hand in the pouring gasoline and setting myself and my children on fire. It is my desire to stir the hearts and souls of every Christian within the ranks of these agencies to step up and step out on the Word of God. It is a solid lifeline in this upside-down world where we now call good evil and evil good. Silence and inaction will be the demise of our souls. All it takes for evil to prevail is for good “men” to do nothing. Time is running short, all our eternities will begin with the answer to one of these two statements – Well done my good and faithful servant or depart from me I never knew you.