Enjoy EVERY minute of it.

I heard that so, so many times. (In fact, I still do.)

At the grocery store, at church, from the nurses… family….and friends….

God- I loved that little baby MORE than anything. I had never felt something so deep in my heart. I mean his toes, those little fingers. Come on! Total heart melt!

Then life took over.

Five more babies, one agonizing miscarriage and a house FULL of special needs stole the show.

8 years somehow had literally passed by right before me. That blink of an eye thing…. So freaking true.

I stopped dead in my tracks … and remember thinking … I know it isn’t realistic to enjoy every minute but had I even enjoyed a mere fraction of it?

Had I really been so busy fighting the demons in front of me that couldn’t even remember the last time I enjoyed my kids?

One thing was glaringly apparent, I had stopped feeling without a doubt; I was numb.

Auto pilot is a great survival tool but fuck I had missed out on so much.

Oh boy, did I start feeling then…. Anger, resentment, disappointment, despair…

I had that shit on lock down and lived in a state of paralysis for quite some time.

I couldn’t even look myself in the mirror. Every time I attempted to my eyes shot straight to the floor… as if the word failure was inked in red across my forehead.

How had I screwed up the only thing I had EVER really wanted to do??

I had let the precious gift of time just slip through the cracks. Time that I could never get back.

And that wasn’t even the worst part… the only way to flip the script was to start feeling again.

You see, feeling is a challenge for me.

The big guy upstairs thought enough of me to gift me with the privilege of being an intuitive empath. It is a blessing and an honor that comes with something I used to fear…. If I start to allow myself to feel my own feelings I then open the flood gates to literally feeling everyone’s everything and that isn’t contained to just the energy here in the psychical world.

This past weekend the most INCREDIABLE family on this earth chose to pour their love over me, even after exposing it all, and pushed me to open my heart just a little bit more.

Because of them I have officially broken through my writer’s block… which means I am feeling!!

I without a doubt have a long way to go and will need to fine tune this gift, implement boundaries and allow myself to feel always but I can honestly say I have truly accepted and find myself humbled in gratitude for the gift He chose to bestow upon me… even the ick that comes with it because there are so many lessons in that too.

So here’s to feeling, enjoying those minutes just a little bit more and opening up my heart to Him, myself and you all.

Yours Through The Insanity,

xoxoxoxo

Colleen