The Shift From Everyday Mommy-ing To Unexpectedly Facing Goliath and how to support us through the darkness

We put so much damn pressure on ourselves.

I know Pinterest and those momentary social media spotlight comparisons have brought me to my knees more times than I can count.

I wanted so badly to do ALL the things.

My love undoubtedly grew alongside the numerical increase in my entourage but that time though… oh did that get spread so very thin.

I fought desperately to stay afloat, trying so hard to stay one step above their needs.

Endlessly advocating for them, attending appointment after appointment, spending YEARS getting them not only to and from therapy but then doing ALL the carry over at home, non-stop researching, talking to everyone I could with similar story lines  (Autism, developmental delays, vaccine injuries, epilepsy, ataxia), finding the “right” medical care only to uncover just how toxic the for profit medical and pharmaceutical world is then having to completely shift gears.

Truthfully I did it mostly because I wanted to but I can’t deny the role guilt played in my relentless pace to keep ahead. I had an obligation to pull them through ALL of this- my genes, my choices were wreaking havoc on their tiny little bodies and brains.  How is the world do they all have something in need of healing?? This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to watch them play and be carefree as the explored the world.

Then I became a single mom.                                                               

The spotlight was suddenly on me to outperform myself in ways I couldn’t even fathom.

Not because I wanted to look superhuman in front of the world (truthfully the introvert in me just wants to run to a lake house somewhere, homeschool forever and hide) but because the court system thrusts an unattainable level of perfection upon you….or there are consequences – for your kids.

I feel like I am literally staring down a seemingly endless dark hallway riddled with explosives. If I don’t check EVERY box as I move forward I risk detonation. It is reality, hard core fact. There is no systematic support when you try to preserve what very little is left inside of you all you can do is hurl yourself amongst the jagged rocks of a broken system and pray that it’s our time on HIS lineup. Those of you who have preceded me in all of this know the truth all too well.

The court is not your friend.

They don’t care about what you endured and continue to battle.

They don’t care about your kids wants and needs until they are of a certain age.

You are a number; not an individual.

There is a grid and a numerical equation.

The survivor has to prove themselves at a pace that is beyond the scope of understanding and even then you can’t protect your kids.

I went from one form of control to another.

Doesn’t my last 10 years of upholding all of this count for anything?

Now I have to legit DO EVERYTHING, as I am so often reminded, because I don’t have a choice.

Does the fact that I have no choice make it ok? Or even acceptable?

I’m already drowning doing the workload of three people parenting 6 kids with intense special needs, keeping up with the bare minimum of household stuff.. and oh and by the way you’re going to be imputed for income too.

Sure. No problem.

I’m right on top of that Rose.

All sarcasm aside though.

If you know someone who has just thrown themselves to the wolves to save their soul, love on them as much as you can.

Randomly stop by and take over for an hour or two.

Give hugs. LOTS OF THEM.

Listen. Just simply listen. We know the reality of the system and you can’t fix it.

Wipe their tears; sit next to them just because.

Understand they need serious manpower to accomplish the bare minimum especially when the PTSD rears its head.

Never stop praying for that miracle.

Oh and wine and chocolate never hurt either.

Be patient, kind and gentle- if you have to walk out on their life please don’t break them in the process.

Remember healing isn’t linear. It takes an obscene amount of time for the poison to leave.

Initially we are still running on adrenaline but 6 months out…..

Well that’s when we REALLY need you.

Yours Through The Insanity,

Xoxoxoxo

~Colleen