In November, I abruptly found myself as the sole caregiver for my vibrant little sideshow.  Shock and adrenaline undoubtedly carried me through the first two months. I did the things. ALL the things; but they were surely completed on autopilot. Feeling wasn’t an option. I knew that if I went to that vulnerable space in my head, I would shatter the extremely thin shell of armor that remained. I told myself every morning that I had to keep it crack free as long as possible. Not because of ego or pride but because I had allowed societal influence instead of God to take the reins.  

My morning pep talk went a little bit like this…

Don’t show them you’re not ok. If you look like you’re ok, they will be ok. Just put one foot in front of the other. Do the things. You can make it until they are in bed. You can do all the things. You signed up to be mom to six, you have no choice.

I doubt I was actually fooling them; or anyone for that matter. I wasn’t ok, not even a little bit but I still had to be mom- somehow. There were no minutes off duty-ever. Not only was in in charge of everything I had always somehow juggled, but now I had added responsibilities- many of which I had no idea how to even begin sorting through. I was carrying the weight of EVERYTHING-x6. My head was a confused firestorm that couldn’t pull together a complete sentence to save my life. I was a rollercoaster internally. Keeping up the external façade for them was so damn taxing. 

Smile at drop off- show them its ok even though it isn’t. 

Stay calm, show grace- during the 45 minute melt down over not having any macaroni and cheese in the house.

Find a way to buy those sneakers for the one who has been squishing his feet into shoes that are over a size too small when your bank account balance is $32.

Keep your friends. You NEED your friends. Do EVERY thing you can do to reciprocate even though you are on empty… as I watched them walk away from me.

I couldn’t keep up with the pace I was compelled to move at. I felt the cracks slowly being chiseled into my very last defense mechanism. I’ve been in this space before and I knew the only way to let the light in was to touch the darkness. Terrified was an UNDERSTAETMENT. This time I had to do it alone. Like REALLY alone. No one to hold me. No one to sit next to me on the floor until. No one to do the kids. 

Everything had been stripped.

My life.

My friends.

My security.

My bank account.

My mental health.

My envisioned future.

But I knew one thing still remained.  

There was this one relationship….one I had gone a little astray from. 

I felt that pull in my heart. I had to get back to the peace I once knew. 

Not just so I could go back to the way things used to be when I was a faithful follower but this time I knew I was deep in the trenches because He needed that foundation to be deeper and stronger than last time. I wasn’t just being called to follow and walk alongside, I knew in my soul that my path this round would be routed in humility, grace and mercy but end in leading others directly into the light also.

I touched that dark. In fact, I still am months later. 

That light though has got nothing on the veil of darkness that keeps trying to cover me.

There is no way to describe it with written language but when you experience you WILL KNOW.

“Grown Up Baby Jesus”- I’ve heard it called.                                                 

I am still wrangle with agony, turmoil, and despair many days but relinquishing control to the best of my ability has led me to navigate things very differently. 

My days are FAR from perfect but there is PERFECT in every day.

Man did He use some CRAZY stunts to get my attention…. I’m done running though.

I think I’ll just rest here a little bit 😉

 

 Yours Through The Insanity,

Xoxoxoxo

Colleen