Standing among your ruins is something I wouldn’t wish upon ANYONE. 

All the shoulda, coulda wouldas… 

Everything I wish I had done differently simultaneously runthrough my mind like a broken record.

I wholeheartedly take responsibly for my transgressions. All of my actions, words and feelings that weren’t in line with the obedience HE calls me to consistently enact even through themost EPIC of trials. I pray nonstop, pour every last remaining drop I have within into His Word and will legit never stop growing my heart, mind and soul through the provision of grace. With that being said, even with my extremely deliberate and intentional acts in the pursuit of grounding myself in HIS hope and love … there are bad days. 

This life journey is beyond difficult to navigate. There are expectations EVERYWHERE.  They are not only constructed by theology, society, family, friends but I find the ones we place on ourselves bear the most weight. My internal dialog has always been heavy and disappointing people around me truthfully shatters my soul. I feel everything, both the good and the bad, so so deeply that picking up the pieces around me is almost an insurmountable task.

Everything, no matter how big or small, I take on, I do with every fiber of my being. Friendships, ministry, organizing, packing lunches…. You get the picture….

When I took my vows, I never anticipated being in such uncharted territory within my soul ten years later.

How is it I can feel so freaking shattered??

So responsible for changing my kids’ everything….  

Yet feel more whole inside than I have possibly ever felt at the same exact time???

That dichotomy has my soul thrashed in so many different directions and as a self-diagnosed “over-feeler” the guilt has gripped the wheel  and keeps attempting to steer me right over the edge.

6 kids.  I had the privilege of being chosen as the vessel that would grow and nurture them. I was blessed to feel their every teeny tiny move inside of me. I know their every earthly move before they even set in motion. I eat sleep and breathe every medical, social and academic celebration and hurdle they each encounter. I never in a million years anticipated that I would be a “part-time” mother; missing out on the very things I had the honor of giving them life to do. That disappointment in their eyes, and the pain that has taken up residence within my entire body, these last 3 months has cut so freaking deep. 

The tears.

The anger.

The fear.

The pain.

It is indescribable agony to know that I had a hand in shattering my kids’ world.

I’m told that I have to forgive myself in order to allow my roots to grow deeper in His truth and love to set us all free….

But just how do you forgive yourself for shattering your kids??  

For taking away their one constant in order to essentially save your own soul….

Yours Through The Insanity,

xoxoxoxo

Colleen