I am the first to admit that I am an undeniably rare “crazy” breed.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and let my passion lead the way.  On the flip side of that equation, is that I am also prone to falling, VERY, VERY hard- usually flat on face right in the middle of the street for everyone to see.  Most of the time it is easy to brush myself off and chalk it up to another lesson learned. But there are those “things” that eat at me until I have fallen apart so badly inside that I have no choice but to cry uncle.

This is definitely one of those “things.”

Now, I have already admitted to (and take complete ownership of) the crazy that runs deep through my veins and what I am about to say may make most of you think I more than likely need to be committed (If you haven’t already previously thought that about me!) but I’ve become a risk taker over the past few years so why not lay this out there too….

I have ABSOLUTLY been blessed with SIX children earth side and ONE angel baby who gives us a hand from the other side. My life is literarily insane and chaotic to the point where I am losing my mind most days but I wouldn’t change this path that I have been lead down for anything. All of this was placed in my heart so very long ago and just feels right to me; even if God and I are the only ones who get it.

Here’s the thing though…. What do you do when your heart ache grows more intense with each passing day as you realize that you are not ready to be done yet your body has shut down the option?

See I MUST be certifiable, right??!!

Finality is a tough one for me. I haven’t had a lot of it in my life- mostly because you can’t tell me that I can’t do something. I will persist and make it happen no matter how many times I may get knocked down. There is always another door, another option…. but this time things are different. I can’t undo this one and I’m struggling with that. I knew walking into the hospital that this was it. I tried telling myself I was done- that I was tired. I REALLY tried hard to convince myself but my heart, MY WHOLE HEART, is crazily saying something VERY different.

Maybe it just takes time.

Maybe some of us always feel this way.

Maybe it’s because my body made the decision for me.

All I know is this heartache is FIERCE and maybe it’s that maybe, just maybe, I’m ever so slightly insane….

Yours Through The Insanity,

xoxoxoxo

Colleen